Official statement regarding Abbey Carroll's involvement in death of Bernie Mac

Abbey Carroll has claimed full responsibility for the horrendous attacks on the life of Bernie Mac, Al-Jazeera reports. This claim was brought forward hours before Hamas, Al-Qaeda, The Army Of God, Aum Supreme Truth, The Irish Republican Army, The Kurdistan Workers Party, The Aryan Nations, The Covenant The Sword And The Arm Of The Lord, Animal Rights Militia, Ku Klux Klan and Michael Richards all could. She is currently being sought by the FBI, CIA, Interpol, Europol, the armed NAACP, and The Justice League. The U.S. government has issued a $50 million reward for her capture and/or death, the Japanese government has issued a ¥800 billion reward for the capture, torture, enslavement and burned corpse in a Snoopy duffel bag, the Airline Pilots Association and the Air Transport Association are offering a $10 million reward, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is offering an additional $40 million reward for her death and in-house proof of her death, Dwayne "Dog" Chapman the Bounty Hunter is offering a $236.45 reward, the sunglasses he displays on his forehead, plus a ride-along in a future filming of his television series, and the Screen Actors Guild is offering $75 million reward plus a chance to appear in Bernie Mac's upcoming film, "Soul Men," starring alongside Samuel Jackson.

Do not attempt to follow, hunt, maim, cripple, heckle, insult or kill Abbey as she is considered unarmed but extremely dangerous. Refer to the events of:

• Waco, Texas - Branch Davidian Complex.


• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma - Alfred P. Murrah federal building.


• Brentwood, Los Angeles, California - Homicide deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, framing of Orenthal James Simpson.


• Ford's Theater, Washington, D.C. - Assassination of Abraham Lincoln, framing of John Wilkes-Booth and Lewis Powell.


• The 200+ deaths claimed by Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski, contract killer for various Italian-American crime families, who disavowed all former claims to the slayings he said he carried out for forty-three years when Abbey threatened him from within his own prison cell in New Jersey.


• The 1986 death of former Metallica bassist Cliff Burton in Sweden while touring for their album "Master Of Puppets," in which 'black ice' was blamed for the tour bus skidding and overturning, crushing the bassist after he was ejected from his window and crushed by the toppling bus, however experts have confirmed Abbey's claim of Burton catching on fire from within his body, and the bus being an external factor as he was already deceased by the time the bus fell on him, and with her being the only one with the hard evidence of Burton's death, Abbey was ruled the official cause.


• The continuation of apartheid.


• The AIDS strain used in the assassination of rapper and former N.W.A. member Eric "Eazy-E" Wright was linked to the same strain used in the assassination of Queen vocalist Farrokh "Freddie Mercury" Bulsara, to which Abbey took responsibility for by interrupting an episode of the morning children's television show, "Wake, Rattle & Roll" to announce to America's youth first. It is believed the AIDS strain used in both deaths come from her personal collection of assorted biological weapons she has acquired and or manufactured herself.


• The space shuttle Challenger disaster in 1986, resulting in the deaths of seven NASA astronauts.


• Atlanta, Georgia - The Centennial Olympic Park bombing, originally claimed to be the work of Eric Rudolph, a former army explosives expert, but he later admitted to just being a "patsy" for Abbey, who came forward and proudly took responsibility, in a typed note written in "Wing Dings" font by saying that the explosion which resulted in two deaths and 111 injured, was "just for kicks, nothing serious," and "I actually like the Olympics."


• The 2008 death of actor Heath Ledger, who was linked to child actress Mary-Kate Olson, who was linked to the human, drug and arms smuggling syndicate that is operated, maintained and fully functioning single-handedly by Abbey.

Further information regarding the whereabouts of Abbey Carroll as well as funeral arrangements for Mr. Mac will be posted as they come.

Bernie Mac / Officer Self Hatred

He's up there now, slapping hands with Ronald Reagan, Dimebag Darrell and Martin Lawrence. I will never forget the hours of laughter and tears brought about by one scene from "Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinkin' Your Juice In The 'Hood" since I was in about 5th grade. Rest in piece, chocolate angel. He died this morning due to complications from pneumonia in Chicago, Illinois.

Metal Masters

On Thursday, my friends and I attended the Metal Masters tour at Nissan Pavilion up in Bristow (or Manassas). This was definitely one of the best, if not THE best pavilion concert I've ever witnessed. The parking lot was a great way to kick off the evening. The shirtless rednecks, the families that look like a herd of sacks of potatoes in matching Black Sabbath shirts, the goth kids with cracked and running makeup in the Virginia humidity, and the morbidly obese people in the handicapped parking spots. I think I saw one person in a wheelchair the entire time, and maybe one person in a walker, but the handicapped area was pretty big and nearly full. Most of the people I saw parking in that area were just... planetary. Anyway, some gutter punk who was extremely trashed followed us to our friend's van across the parking lot, and hovered around waiting for someone to offer her a beer. She was not pleasing to the eye and dressed like her denim and punk apparel had been run through a woodchipper first, and her hair looked like a wig. It did not help that she was a cross between Kelly Osbourne and Mick Mars. Someone in the van came back with a cup full of "period pee" and topped it off with some beer, and let her have it. She did not complain much about it and drank most of it. Eventually, after spilling some inside the van and dropping the rest on the ground to text message people, she wandered off towards the pavilion, dragging her boots and walking with arms like Peg Bundy.

We got in line to get in as 5:30pm was about to hit, which meant Testament was about to get up, and as I got to the front, I was barred and told no cameras. What? "As of 4:15pm on the Nissan Pavilion website, they stated that no cameras at all would be allowed in." Most people don't go to the venue's website an hour before the concert unless they're looking for directions, and I can almost guarantee that most of the crowd tonight wasn't purely local. Hell, I saw too many Richmond faces there. So I had to run back to Dave's car and drop off my camera, and run back, then run to the top of the steps that go over the hill into the lawn area, and could hear the opening to "Over The Wall," so I ran even faster up the stairs. Dave and I ran to our section and watched Testament play on this gigantic stage for only 30 minutes. Of what I can remember, they played:

"Over The Wall"

"Practice What You Preach"

"Souls Of Black"

"More Than Meets The Eye"

"The Formation Of Damnation"

So many more songs I would have loved to have heard, but they were still great nonetheless. I'm not complaining about the songs they played, but most people that go to check out a classic band like them are there to hear the classics, am I wrong? Two new songs in a 5-song setlist? They could have replaced either with "The Preacher," "First Strike Is Deadly," "Apocalyptic City," "Alone In The Dark," "Electric Crown," "D.N.R.," "Into The Pit," it could go on. I hope they come back! After them, I wandered around, ran into some friends, got one from Richmond down in the pavilion for Motörhead while I was talking with my friend Nick and his friends during most of Motörhead. I have taken a liking to them, but this was my third or so time seeing them, and there were only a few songs I wanted to hear aside from the drum solo. What I did catch was good, and really fun.

We hung out in the lawn area with Neal and his bandmates and other friends after Motörhead, but after the stage was set up and the first sounds of "E5150" came on, we ran back to our seats because Heaven And Hell were taking the stage. They played an amazing set, and while last year's full performance was slightly better, they were still mindblowing and sounded great. Off the top of my head, what I can remember being played was:

"The Mob Rules"

"Children Of The Sea"

"I"

"Falling Off The Edge Of The World"

"Time Machine"

"Die Young"

"Sign Of The Southern Cross"

"Heaven And Hell"

A short but excellent show for them. Dio still sounds like he hasn't aged at all, fortunately for the rest of us, he looks more and more like a midget Cryptkeeper every time we see him. Ronnie danced around, talked to the crowd and everyone was going nuts. Tony Iommi was on top of his game as usual and his solo before "Die Young" was incredible.

Judas Priest. Even after multiple concerts, they are still surprising the Hell out of me. They played songs I did not expect to hear and even left off a few signature tunes I was definitely expecting to hear, like "Living After Midnight," "Turbo Lover," "Revolution," "Victim Of Changes," "The Sentinel," "Love Bites," and even, just a little bit, "Heading Out To The Highway." I thought this was maybe their best setlist because it caught me by surprise, and it was exciting to hear a few of these played for the first time. The background would change with the different eras the songs came from, as would Rob's jackets (yeah jackets). He came out in a shiny silver hooded robe for "The Prophecy," and for the closing songs, he came out (ha) in his trademark leather, on a motorcycle, right as "Hell Bent For Leather" started up. Scott Travis' drumming was solid and HEAVY. Glenn Tipton and K.K. Downing were playing flawlessly, and Ian Hill looked like a college freshman who had too much experience in the World Of Warcraft arena, with his black tee shirt and skullet/beard. You could hear him well though, and he sounded great too. Rob, though, went to the highest highs and the lowest growls and sounds better than I can ever remember him sounding, compared to both studio and live albums as well as all the other times I've seen them live.

Their setlist as far as I can remember consisted of:

"Dawn Of Creation"

"The Prophecy"

"Metal Gods"

"Eat Me Alive"

"Between The Hammer And The Anvil"

"Devil's Child"

"Breaking The Law"

"Hell Patrol"

"Angel"

"The Hellion/Electric Eye"

"Rock Hard, Rock Free"

"Painkiller"

"Hell Bent For Leather"

"The Green Manalishi (With The Two-Pronged Crown)"

"You've Got Another Thing Comin'"

If you missed out, it's safe to say that you didn't miss just any other metal show. Metal fan's wet dream come true.

Piss-Beer Queen

Blarsis

Okay, so since some of you are asking some questions regarding why this is even here; Arsis is a metal band from the U.S. that some of my friends and I listened to obsessively for years. I considered them one of the best bands in recent years, and I considered their debut, "A Celebration Of Guilt," from 2004 to be a masterpiece. The singer and songwriter behind the band, James (Jim) Malone saw Battlemaster play in Richmond and formed a man-crush on Battlemaster drummer Alex Tomlin. Over the course of a few years, while Alex garnered respect and got his name out there, including touring with Atlanta, Georgia's Withered (a truly excellent band) in Europe opening for Mastodon, Jim and Alex kept in touch. Jim got on Alex's case enough about drumming for Arsis that it happened in the early summer of 2008. Many were afraid of what this would do to Battlemaster, and many were also happy and supportive of his decision to try out in Arsis. One tour later, Alex came back an angry lad. No money from a swindling man-baby named Jim Malone. They'd only played 4 or so dates of a 2-week tour. He had to pay for his fare from New York to Virginia and ended up with about 20 bucks by the time he got back into town.
I'm sure this happens to many excited musicians, getting a chance to play in a big-time band, especially one you respect. Then you find out it's not glamorous at all, and even if you went in with low expectations, you come out with even lower levels of respect for the band. When us here in Richmond heard about the treatment of our hometown buddy Alex by Jim, it made us angry. I'm not going to get into details about everything we heard, but the gist is that Jim Malone is a swindler and a hack, and upon hearing how pissed Alex was after the tour, none of us are really able to listen to Arsis again. At this point it's not even a forced boycott, we just have no desire anymore.

Bands: Take care of your fans, the end.