Official statement regarding Abbey Carroll's involvement in death of Bernie Mac

Abbey Carroll has claimed full responsibility for the horrendous attacks on the life of Bernie Mac, Al-Jazeera reports. This claim was brought forward hours before Hamas, Al-Qaeda, The Army Of God, Aum Supreme Truth, The Irish Republican Army, The Kurdistan Workers Party, The Aryan Nations, The Covenant The Sword And The Arm Of The Lord, Animal Rights Militia, Ku Klux Klan and Michael Richards all could. She is currently being sought by the FBI, CIA, Interpol, Europol, the armed NAACP, and The Justice League. The U.S. government has issued a $50 million reward for her capture and/or death, the Japanese government has issued a ¥800 billion reward for the capture, torture, enslavement and burned corpse in a Snoopy duffel bag, the Airline Pilots Association and the Air Transport Association are offering a $10 million reward, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is offering an additional $40 million reward for her death and in-house proof of her death, Dwayne "Dog" Chapman the Bounty Hunter is offering a $236.45 reward, the sunglasses he displays on his forehead, plus a ride-along in a future filming of his television series, and the Screen Actors Guild is offering $75 million reward plus a chance to appear in Bernie Mac's upcoming film, "Soul Men," starring alongside Samuel Jackson.

Do not attempt to follow, hunt, maim, cripple, heckle, insult or kill Abbey as she is considered unarmed but extremely dangerous. Refer to the events of:

• Waco, Texas - Branch Davidian Complex.


• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma - Alfred P. Murrah federal building.


• Brentwood, Los Angeles, California - Homicide deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, framing of Orenthal James Simpson.


• Ford's Theater, Washington, D.C. - Assassination of Abraham Lincoln, framing of John Wilkes-Booth and Lewis Powell.


• The 200+ deaths claimed by Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski, contract killer for various Italian-American crime families, who disavowed all former claims to the slayings he said he carried out for forty-three years when Abbey threatened him from within his own prison cell in New Jersey.


• The 1986 death of former Metallica bassist Cliff Burton in Sweden while touring for their album "Master Of Puppets," in which 'black ice' was blamed for the tour bus skidding and overturning, crushing the bassist after he was ejected from his window and crushed by the toppling bus, however experts have confirmed Abbey's claim of Burton catching on fire from within his body, and the bus being an external factor as he was already deceased by the time the bus fell on him, and with her being the only one with the hard evidence of Burton's death, Abbey was ruled the official cause.


• The continuation of apartheid.


• The AIDS strain used in the assassination of rapper and former N.W.A. member Eric "Eazy-E" Wright was linked to the same strain used in the assassination of Queen vocalist Farrokh "Freddie Mercury" Bulsara, to which Abbey took responsibility for by interrupting an episode of the morning children's television show, "Wake, Rattle & Roll" to announce to America's youth first. It is believed the AIDS strain used in both deaths come from her personal collection of assorted biological weapons she has acquired and or manufactured herself.


• The space shuttle Challenger disaster in 1986, resulting in the deaths of seven NASA astronauts.


• Atlanta, Georgia - The Centennial Olympic Park bombing, originally claimed to be the work of Eric Rudolph, a former army explosives expert, but he later admitted to just being a "patsy" for Abbey, who came forward and proudly took responsibility, in a typed note written in "Wing Dings" font by saying that the explosion which resulted in two deaths and 111 injured, was "just for kicks, nothing serious," and "I actually like the Olympics."


• The 2008 death of actor Heath Ledger, who was linked to child actress Mary-Kate Olson, who was linked to the human, drug and arms smuggling syndicate that is operated, maintained and fully functioning single-handedly by Abbey.

Further information regarding the whereabouts of Abbey Carroll as well as funeral arrangements for Mr. Mac will be posted as they come.